Why Midlife Can Feel Like Losing Yourself

And why you might not be as lost as you think.

Have you ever caught yourself wondering when you stopped feeling quite like you?

Not necessarily in a dramatic, life-changing sort of way. Perhaps it’s something much quieter than that.

You look in the mirror and don’t quite recognise the woman looking back. Your wardrobe is full, but nothing feels quite right. The things you used to enjoy don’t seem to hold the same appeal, or perhaps you simply don’t have the time or energy for them anymore.

You spend your days doing what needs to be done, looking after people, managing responsibilities and keeping everything moving.

And somewhere amongst all of that, you find yourself wondering:

Where did I go?

If that thought has ever crossed your mind, I want you to know something.

You’re not the only one.

And you haven’t necessarily done anything wrong.

Somewhere along the way, life got busy

Think about how much life can ask of us.

There are families to raise, homes to run, relationships to nurture, jobs to manage and responsibilities that seem to multiply when we’re not looking.

We become the person who remembers the appointments, organises the birthdays, checks that everyone is all right and knows where everything is.

We become dependable. Capable. The one people turn to.

And those are wonderful qualities.

But there’s a question we don’t always stop to ask ourselves.

While we’ve been making sure everyone else is all right, have we remembered to check in with ourselves?

Sometimes we put our own needs aside because somebody else genuinely needs us. Sometimes it’s because it’s easier to say yes than explain why we need to say no. And sometimes we get so used to putting ourselves last that we barely notice we’re doing it.

One day, we look around and realise that we’ve become very good at looking after everyone else, but we’re not entirely sure what looking after ourselves is supposed to look like anymore.

That realisation can feel uncomfortable.

It can even bring a little sadness for the things we’ve missed, the interests we’ve neglected or the parts of ourselves we’ve tucked away.

But it doesn’t mean those parts have disappeared.

Perhaps they’ve simply been waiting for a little attention.

Then midlife comes along and changes the picture

Midlife can bring changes we never quite anticipated.

Our bodies change. Our skin changes. Our shape may change. Our energy and priorities can shift, too.

Relationships evolve. Children grow up. Parents may need more support. Work and family responsibilities can take unexpected turns.

And the future we once imagined might look different from the one we’re actually living.

Even when these changes are welcome, they can leave us feeling unsettled.

We may find ourselves questioning things we once took for granted. What suits us now? What do we enjoy? What matters to us? What do we want the next chapter of our lives to look like?

Sometimes, we keep trying to be the woman we were ten or twenty years ago, wondering why the old routines, clothes, interests or expectations no longer feel quite right.

But perhaps the problem isn’t that we’ve lost ourselves.

Perhaps we’ve changed, and we haven’t yet given ourselves permission to discover who we are now.

There’s a difference.

You are allowed to change

Somewhere along the way, many of us seem to have picked up the idea that we should have ourselves all figured out by a certain age.

That by our fifties, we should know exactly who we are, what suits us and what we want from life.

But life doesn’t work like that, does it?

We keep learning. Our circumstances change. Our experiences shape us. Things that once mattered enormously may become less important, while new interests and possibilities begin to emerge.

You are allowed to change your mind.

You’re allowed to discover that something which suited you at forty doesn’t suit you at fifty-two.

You’re allowed to want something different.

You’re allowed to wear the brighter colour, try the new lipstick, explore an interest, make time for a friendship or admit that something you’ve been doing for years no longer works for you.

And you’re allowed to do those things without having to justify them to everybody else.

You don’t have to earn the right to enjoy your own life.

Nor do you have to turn everything upside down to make a change.

Sometimes, the smallest decisions can be a reminder that you’re still here, still growing and still very much a part of your own story.

Finding yourself doesn’t have to become another project

I think this is important, because the last thing any of us needs is another list of things we’re apparently supposed to do to become a better version of ourselves.

We have enough lists.

Enough expectations.

Enough messages telling us that we need to improve, change, fix or reinvent ourselves.

What if we approached this differently?

What if, instead of asking, “How do I become a completely different woman?”, we asked:

“What would help me feel a little more like myself again?”

That question leaves room for you to start wherever you are.

Perhaps it’s spending ten minutes doing something you enjoy, simply because you enjoy it.

Perhaps it’s looking at your wardrobe and rediscovering a colour that makes you smile.

Perhaps it’s simplifying your skincare routine so that caring for yourself feels manageable rather than another chore.

Perhaps it’s making a little space in your week for something that belongs to you.

Or perhaps it’s simply admitting that you’re tired, that things have been difficult, and that you could do with a little kindness — including from yourself.

None of these things will magically solve every challenge in your life.

But they can be small ways of reminding yourself that your needs, interests and happiness matter, too.

You matter, even when nobody needs anything from you.

You matter, even when you’re not being useful.

You matter, even when all you’ve managed today is to get through the day.

You don’t have to find the old you

There’s another thought I’d like to leave with you.

When we talk about finding ourselves again, it’s easy to imagine that we need to go backwards. Back to the woman we were before the responsibilities, before the changes, before life became so complicated.

But would you really want to go back without taking anything you’ve learnt with you?

You have experience now. You know more about people, about life and, hopefully, about what you will and won’t accept.

You’ve lived through things that have shaped you.

You’ve made decisions, adapted, kept going and learnt lessons you couldn’t possibly have understood when you were younger.

That woman you were is part of your story, but she doesn’t have to be the destination.

Perhaps this next chapter is about bringing together the woman you’ve been, the woman you’ve become and the woman you would still like to discover.

Not starting again.

Not erasing your past.

Just making room for yourself in the life you’re living now.

And that can happen gently, in your own time, without a grand plan or a dramatic transformation.

A little something to think about

If any of this has resonated with you, I’d like to invite you to pause for a moment.

You don’t need to write a list or make a plan. You don’t need to have an answer for every question.

Just consider these three things:

• What have I been putting aside for myself?

• What used to make me feel like me?

• What is one small thing I could make room for again?

Don’t worry about what you should write down. There are no right answers, and you don’t need to share your thoughts with anybody else.

This is simply a moment to listen to yourself.

Because sometimes, before we can work out what comes next, we need to give ourselves the space to recognise where we are.

And if you’re in a season of life where you feel a little lost, please remember this:

You are not a finished story.

You are not too old to discover something new about yourself.

And you don’t have to become somebody else to deserve a life that feels more like your own.

Perhaps you’re not lost at all.

Perhaps you’re simply ready to find your way back to yourself.

And that’s a rather lovely place to begin.

— Cheryl Elliott
The Midlife Makeover